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I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Thanks for not only taking the time to write this, but to even improve the information by making it easy to read and understand.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I'm trading currency forex brokers metatrder demo http://2pipfixed.com using autotrader EA and scalping. I do this from my home as a part time job. They are a very honest broker.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Thanks for not only taking the time to write this, but to even improve the information by making it easy to read and understand.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

ore emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Nike Shox Monster ask, 'Where have I gone wronI have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out,

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

When I initially commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service? Bless you!

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it